i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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