His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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