just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
So many bounce houses so little time
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
