ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
