You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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