Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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