I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
