Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
