were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
