Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
