i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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