i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
