i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
