I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
