So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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