I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
