I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
