we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
