omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
