I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
