I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
