Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
