You're my little dorito
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
