So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
