Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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