Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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