nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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