She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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