When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?