Texts From Last Night

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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.

  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  thats a woman

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  (709): she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her. (709): thats a woman http://tfl.nu/e6ls
  Replies (10) Good night (1306) Bad night (1912)
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last

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  (352): I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last http://tfl.nu/oknv
  Replies (34) Good night (1500) Bad night (5472)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.

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  (617): your philanthropy is ruining my sex life. http://tfl.nu/l4rt
  Replies (7) Good night (951) Bad night (2517)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.

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  (215): I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked. http://tfl.nu/a12i
  Replies (9) Good night (4873) Bad night (937)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won

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  (651): So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won http://tfl.nu/y3ji
  Replies (5) Good night (738) Bad night (1566)
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding

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  (313): I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding http://tfl.nu/qljv
  Replies (9) Good night (592) Bad night (2582)
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.

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  (612): She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity. http://tfl.nu/b3pk
  Replies (18) Good night (1006) Bad night (1392)
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.

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  (865): If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch. http://tfl.nu/4ij5
  Replies (4) Good night (448) Bad night (796)
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.

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  (334): I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy. http://tfl.nu/753g
  Replies (1) Good night (730) Bad night (352)
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  (207): View more from Maine

  CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP

  (207): View more from Maine

  Do we still have any pizza left from last night?

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  (207): CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP (207): Do we still have any pizza left from last night? http://tfl.nu/ytp9
  Replies (10) Good night (712) Bad night (544)
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it

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  (571): My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it http://tfl.nu/xr2p
  Replies (2) Good night (382) Bad night (572)
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.

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  (770): High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner. http://tfl.nu/6vaw
  Replies (3) Good night (1141) Bad night (277)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great

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  (773): Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great http://tfl.nu/433o
  Replies (2) Good night (770) Bad night (222)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...

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  (847): I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat... http://tfl.nu/j5yd
  Replies (2) Good night (962) Bad night (207)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support

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  (303): I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support http://tfl.nu/wag8
  Replies (3) Good night (241) Bad night (145)

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