did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
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Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
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HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.