In the future we'll all be gay
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
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The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
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I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.