Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.