he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
