i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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