She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
