tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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