Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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