I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
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