Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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