Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
