he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
