oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
