The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
