babies were throwing up all over the place
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
