I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
