Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
