Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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