Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Fuck appropriateness.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Randomize
