I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
