My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Naked. naked and bneed help.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
