we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
