i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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