he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Please don't give away my fajitas
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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