everyone is single if you try hard enough
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
