Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
