Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
