I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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