woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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