What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
