My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
