the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Randomize
