my mouth tastes like poor choices
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
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you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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