So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
