You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
