Michael Bay diarrhea
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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