Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
