Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
